This really was the end!

Posting a bit early on in the day today, but a few spare minutes to write so i shall use them wisely.

 May i add, literally a week after me and matt broke up he was already seeing this charlotte girl! 1 WEEK! announcing on facebook that he loved her, thankfully i had most people on my side as its not really something that should be announced on facebook. 

April/May 2011 - 

We had a health visitor come round one thursday to check up on liam and so i had told matt that day he couldnt have liam because i didnt know what time she was coming round - fair enough no arguments made. Anyway, everything went back to normal until he asked if his new girlfriend could be there and meet liam, and countless amount of times i had said no because i didnt know who this girl was, what she was like. And no amount of trying to convince me was going to change my mind. Then the night of 2nd may..now this is too long to explain and ive told quite a few people what had happened and here is the god spoken honest truth - and proof of what this idiot really said that night! - now Coldkilla (FEAR) is matt as we was talking on skype and he used it for mostly his 'gaming friends' he spent all his time on his computer, it started off, which i unfortunately dont have as it was on facebook, with me asking if he wanted to see liam the next day because he hadnt seem him in a few weeks, and liam wasnt going to remember who he was which was completely unfair on liam but here you go:

[02/05/2011 23:06:32] Coldkilla (FEAR): im lazy

[02/05/2011 23:06:54] Samantha Angove: Well i know that lol. so do you want to see liam or not

[02/05/2011 23:07:20] Coldkilla (FEAR): no

[02/05/2011 23:07:34] Samantha Angove: wait.. you dont want to see your son

[02/05/2011 23:07:41] Samantha Angove: is that what ur telling me..

[02/05/2011 23:07:46] Coldkilla (FEAR): yeah

[02/05/2011 23:07:50] Samantha Angove: and why is that then

[02/05/2011 23:08:24] Coldkilla (FEAR): tbh never really wanted him ..

[02/05/2011 23:08:44] Coldkilla (FEAR): parents seemed happy for me to have him ... just wanted to please them i spose ...

[02/05/2011 23:08:51] Coldkilla (FEAR): had no real connextion to him ...

[02/05/2011 23:08:57] Samantha Angove: so your just gunna completely block him out of your life

[02/05/2011 23:09:00] Coldkilla (FEAR): even u said i dont give a shit .

[02/05/2011 23:09:07] Samantha Angove: because you dont!

[02/05/2011 23:10:39] Coldkilla (FEAR): yeah well .. no point . better to be away from him now when he dont know me well than to do it later on

[02/05/2011 23:11:17] Samantha Angove: okay fine.

[02/05/2011 23:11:49] Samantha Angove: dont see your son, but when he asks where his daddy is.. i will tell him the truth ..

[02/05/2011 23:12:07] Samantha Angove: that his real dad didnt give a fuck, neverr wanted him and werent man enough to step up and be what a father is supposed to be!

[02/05/2011 23:12:10] Samantha Angove: good luck with ya life!

[02/05/2011 23:14:00] Coldkilla (FEAR): u can tell him that . coz thats how it is .

[02/05/2011 23:14:45] Samantha Angove: fuck off

[02/05/2011 23:15:18] Coldkilla (FEAR): so yeah . bye then

And that was it, he openly admitted he didnt want his son, never did and just done it to please his family - oh what a great guy you are! - Next, Matt still had one of my phones so i text him a few days later asking where it was so i could go and pick it up and what did i get back??

A load of abuse off of his 'new girlfriend' - saying i only text matt for attention and just wanted him back (excuse me i broke up with him) that my son was morbidly obese, i wasnt a good mother and never done anything for him. no? then who was the one who had sleepless nights since he was born, took him to the doctors when he was ill, rubbed his belly when he had tummyache, and kissed him better if hed hurt himself? and morbidly obese?? I dont think so yes he was in bigger clothes than his age, he drunk alot of milk and ate alot but any normal sane person would know thats what babies do, thats normal and guess what ?! Liam lost all of that weight when he started walking at 11 months

But his dad missed everything so you wasnt getting all your gossip anymore.. I am the best mum i could possibly be and a lot more caring and loving than alot of mums out there who dont even deserve there kids. I may have been a young mum, only having him at 17 but it was the best decision of my life!!

I am the happiest person in the world right now, i am PROUD to say i am a single mummy, i do everything i possibly can for my boy and will continue to do anything till the day i die! To be fair he is probably best without his arsehole of a father - He had made our lives a living hell, and i was so stupid to think that everything he said was true! - i definately was a fool to believe..

Now adding to that - Matt moved out of his house, in with his best friend. I was then visiting maybe 3/4 times a month to liams other nanny and grandad as they had done nothing wrong and they had every right in the world to see their beautiful grandson.

So i am very happy to say; That is it! The actual end of all things angry and upsetting towards me! 

My other blog entries wont be as emotional as these ones have been but i just had to put my side of the story out there. Was sick of having it all trapped in and now everyone can see it! And do i care what comments i get back? NO! 

Me and liam are 100% happy. Living our own little lives, and taking each step at a time, every day as it comes & completely moving on. 

-This blog is for my liam, so one day when he is old enough he can read absolutely everything what happened in his life while he was growing up-

Back to the normal me - Samantha Angove - So hey, welcome to my world :)

A few things i hate about you!!

Evening all. I will be naming and shaming - Utter Truth once again, sorry if i hurt anyones feelings but trust me everyone mentioned hurt my feelings alot more! 

Its been one of those days so - 

This post is going to be purely about a few things that annoyed me whilst i was in a relationship with Matt, and also after we broke up - shall sum up what the real Matthew Tilley was like :)

Okay starting with, during this so called break before me and matt got back together. Matt had told me he had been on a date with a girl but it didnt work out because he wasnt used to change, and then said she was annoyed with him because they didnt kiss - on a first date. This girl was - Charlotte, the girl that ruined everything and i shall continue :)

1. On the day of my 18th birthday party which i had been literally begging him to go to (we had got back together at this point-to give our relationship another go) his excuse not to come was because he didnt like my friends... i phoned him - taking time out of my party which i was enjoying with my friends - only to find out he had apparently been dragged to the pub by his friends. Again, his friends who i had invited to my party - it just didnt make sense. I put all the blame on matt obviously but i can probably say at least one person who definately put him up to it!

Ashley (Okay, now ashley isnt that bad - but i think i can honestly say it was like matt spent more time with ashley than he did with me & his son, and yes thats kinda wrong)

After being on the phone to matt, finding out what he was actually doing, i ran upstairs, annoyed, angry, upset about half hour away from my actual birthday - this night i shall never forget as i had and still have the best bunch of friends a girl could ever ask for. 

 2.Not bothering, with anything at all - 

 All i ever heard was 'sorry cant come round tonight need to do this' 'ive got college till late' 'im too tired'

Do you know what i felt like saying to that ?? Just bloody grow up!! Everyone gets tired, and guess what?? i look after your child 24/7 wheres my break? wheres my 'lunchhour' ? when do i ever get time to myself? Sorry, should i have just turned round to our little baby boy and said; sorry liam i cant look after you today because im too tired and need to do this! No!! 

It was pretty much what he was saying, he had to see me to see his child so what did i do ?? Try to bring him back to reality!! 

Okay this is where i have to be fair! Matt was a brill dad to liam (when he wanted to be) after us breaking up the first time and me telling him what he was actually doing wrong, think it hit home! So in our little break he did come round most days after college to see liam for an hour or so before his dad picked him up- hands up- completely fair there, not a bad word to say about his parenting since the night i hit him! 

11th February 2011 - The night it really did change, i felt i was bringing liam up on my own, matt didnt do much and the nights he did stay round at mine all he did was sleep and didnt help me during the night with liam, if he did come round after college it literally was for an hour and he didnt do much then anyway! So i broke up with him, ONE OF THE BEST CHOICES AND DECISIONS OF MY LIFE. 

Too many arguments happened to even write about! We had come to some sort of conclusion that matt would have him one day at the weekend and on a wednesday/thursday during the week.. Now during the start of this i used to stay with liam as i hadnt left liam on his own with matt -EVER- and as liams mum i had more than any right to be there plus i got to talk to dawn :)

After a few weeks, matt had him on his own and picked him up and dropped him back or i used to do the same some weekends. Making sure everything was packed, and me being paranoid me asked loads of questions making sure liam had eaten whatever he had to and (stupid this) whether he had done a poo or not, it was important to know that, strange but liam had had his normal routine with me and it was slowly changing!

Which then brings us to april/may time when even more arguments happened and things really did change! Only for the better :)

Until next time....

It felt like the end...

I'm going to treat you all to two posts tonight! as i thought it would fit in one but it didn't lol.

Okay, so the first month of being a mum was hard. Me and matt had made up a kind of system some days he would do the night feeds and i would get up with him in the morning, and others i would do the night feeds and matt get up with him. This worked for a while.. until liam hit 1 month!!

Me and Matt werent getting on as well as we normally did. Obviously the stress and pressure of having a baby was all on our shoulders, and i honestly felt like i was doing more than he was. I cant remember the amount of arguements we used to have because he wouldnt wash the bottles or put them in the steriliser, change his bum, give him a bath.. The little things that people think nothing of. But i know now liam didnt mean anything to him (again another post will be done on that point!) We had tried everything to make a system work but it always seemed to end in an argument.. 

Now the one thing that blew me right off the edge was this; and i shall never forget it; This one night, the one thing i never thought i would do. What no one thinks they will do to someone they think they love so much...

Liam was about 3 weeks old.. my back was really hurting, i was absolutely nackered and looked after liam on my own all day (not easy). I kindly asked matt if he would feed liam if i got him his bottle as he was crying and ready for a feed (he was already half awake as he had just come off his computer) He agreed in the end, but something wasnt right! 

I had done his bottle, changed liams bum, got him out of his moses basket and laid him down with matt to feed him.. Liam was falling back to sleep and drinking his bottle slower than he normally does. I only said to matt to sit him up a little so he drank the bottle, hoping that he would sleep a little longer after his feed... 

NONE OF WHAT I SAY HERE IS EXAGGERATION ON ANYTHING! AND I CAN HOLD MY HANDS UP, SWEAR ON ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING THIS IS THE WHOLE TRUTH!

Matt then, not shouting, but loudly said -directly to liam may i add, his 3 week old baby- to 'drink the fucking bottle' and pretty much shoving it in his mouth. I was already partly sitting up, starting to get angry at what he had said (obviously) i asked him to just calm down and give me liam, he picked him up turned his back to me and said no... (how childish)

That was it! The last and final thing that made me go absolutely mental! Then i slapped him round the face took liam and his bottle and turned around (to be fair it was a pretty hard slap and i probably shouldnt have done it, but no one i mean NO ONE talks to me or my baby like that) This was his own baby he had done this too.. Yes it was the middle of the night, yes we was both tired but liam was a 3 week old baby. He grabbed his pillow and slept downstairs on the sofa...

I settled liam back down, tears streaming down my face, trying to stay as calm as i could so liam wouldnt pick up on my emotion! I quietly went downstairs and told him why i had done it and what the hell was he thinking.

About a week after that we was upstairs getting money for a takeaway we had ordered and he said to me 'this isnt working, i think we should break up or have some sort of break' - out of the blue, absolutley no reasoning behind it but it was true we werent working and i wasnt going to stay with someone who wasnt going to even help look after his child.

22nd October-

We went to get liam registered. Which was the day after we broke up. I stayed strong not telling anyone what had happened the night before. Mum was looking after liam for me, and we went to get him registered i had already chosen his middle name, not even bothering to consider that with matt.. So we finally registered my baby - Liam Peter Tilley - The peter after both of his grandad's. We dropped matt off to his parents house, then as soon as i came home.. i broke down into tears! 

It was like the end of the road, like that was it! I was on my own, everything he had said he wouldnt do he done it all!! He moved out the next day. Only spoke about liam via text. Matt didnt see him for nearly a week. That saturday was his friends girlfriends birthday party. Where he met a girl, but little did we all know that, that was the girl who ruined everything!

Emotional blog there...

Until next time....

Coming home

I tore quite badly after having Liam, so i had to go and have some stitches (worst nightmare)

When going into theatre they tried to give me a spinal block/epidural which my body wasn't having none  of, i was so tired anyway.. i ended up having to have a general anaesthetic. By the time i came round everything was so rushed. My mum had gone home by this point and Matt was left looking after Liam on his own whilst i was in theatre. I was took straight down onto a ward where other women had had c sections. I couldn't move as i had a catheter in and some sort of padded block thing (i have no idea what it was) Matt wasn't allowed to stay with me any longer as it was already nearly 2am. So i was left alone, with a baby i gave birth to 8 hours ago yet had hardly any bonding time with! I cried so much, not just because i didn't know anyone, but i was so tired i actually felt useless! 

I felt like i had to do it all on my own. I had my phone with me and updating people via facebook and text how i was, what had happened etc.. but that just didn't feel enough...

That first night was so strange, no one had taught me how to change his nappy properly whether he was hungry, tired or needed a bum change i had to learn everything all for myself which was a massive learning curve for me.. and now i can honestly say i turned into a completely different person overnight. Liam had wet through his nappy at about 6am. He was so tiny even his nappy's were a bit big for him (the midwives had told me in my antenatal appointments he was going to be a big baby, he ended up being tiny weighing 6lbs 11)

I must have pressed my button for the midwives about 10 times, this was ridiculous. They obviously knew id been into theatre and couldn't get out of the bed. Luckily i had a lovely woman in the bed next to me who asked if i needed help. I wasn't going to turn it down i couldn't do much more. She had seen me struggling to reach my overnight bag with mine and liam's things in, so passed me the things i needed. I was so greatful that at least someone helped me.

After about an hour one of the midwives came round, as they did regular checks and then by this point liam needed another feed (after being up nearly every hour) he was crying and i was trying to move the bed.. i asked the midwive if she could help me do his feed, after her tutting and saying that i 'shouldnt have had a baby if i cant cope' she ended up helping me make the bottle up, and he had poo'd right through and so she took him away to clean him up properly. This made me even more upset as what was i supposed to do - she made me feel so low and down, i was literally stuck to my bed could hardly move, it wasnt that i couldnt cope it was that i literally couldnt get up to get the water to make his bottle up...

Still to this day, that ward annoyed me. Anyway, on the 24th September we was allowed home (the best day of my life) they didnt want to as they were still worried that my iron levels and blood sugar was too low but i promised to take all the tablets and they let me go!. 

We first visited matts mum and dad's ( Matts dad had seen him the day he was born, as he visited while i was waiting to go into theatre with liams first teddybear, which i still have to this day!) Matt's mum couldnt visit as she had motor neurone diseas and was bedbound with oxygen so i made sure that was the first place we went so liam could have a very first cuddle with his nanny dawn.

I was on so many tablets and wanted to go home after an hour as my back was starting to really hurt after the spinal block and needed my tablets. As soon as we got home, liam was asleep i took my tablets and sat on the sofa... *SILENCE* was so lovely, i probably had a nap myself. Then my brother and sisters came in from school. They hadnt even seen liam yet so was so nice for them to meet their lovely little nephew for the first time. They all took their turns to have a cuddle. I hadnt seen them in nearly 3 days either and it was like they had grown so much. I had grown up so much in the last few days, i wasnt acting like a typical 17 year old i was a MUM!

I was delighted to be back home. Back to normality, except it wasnt going to be normality as how i knew it. My life now revolved around my gorgeous little boy. 

Until next time....

Due Date Fast Approaching

I forgot to say in the last post that i found out in the may i was going to have a little boy and was over the moon. It didnt matter to me whether it was a girl or boy as long as the baby was healthy thats all that mattered !

Okay, September 2010 and i started my final year of sixth form... I was at sixth form most days of the week, so no time for rest even though i was in my 9th month of pregnancy.

After weeks of thinking about things and discussions with approval from my parents matt moved in. I rearranged my whole room not just for my new baby but for matt aswell. At first it was quite nice having someone there for me as i needed all the support i could possibly get.. 

Weeks of me going to school started to get boring... so ill bring you to the 21st September 2010 (7 days before my due date) 

I did a full day at school. Walked to school for 9am. Walked home for lunch 12:40 then back to school at 1:20. Was just a normal tuesday for me. Although i had this weird feeling and was, well lets just put it as OCD. Was panicking as i wanted everything sorted for the baby as i only had a week left. Getting pretty fed up of having a fat bump and tried everything! Few days before, i had a hot curry. Done loads of walking and that lunchtime i had raspberry leaf tea with 3 teabags in and a raspberry leaf tablet before heading back to school! 

Arsenal V Spurs were playing that night, so was a split house and mum and us support arsenal and pete supported spurs.. so before we watched the game on mums laptop i decided to have a bath around 5pm! Got out of the bath and felt like i was having little twinges..thinking nothing of it i carried on with whatever i was doing.

By 7pm the 'twinges' were getting closer and closer together. Me being my worried self told my mum and wrote down the times of each one and the gap between. I WAS IN LABOUR. Wont go into the tmi bit.

So i could now call them contractions. They were getting more and more painful and by 3am i had enough and wanted to go into hospital. Was only 3cm dilated so had a long way to go but stayed in. It was now early morning of 22nd September nearly in full blown labour and couldnt handle the pain anymore. I went for gas and air and did the whole thing on gas & air only...

At 5pm 22nd September 2010. I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Liam Peter Tilley who is my world! 

What i didnt mention: pretty much as soon as we got the hospital i was with my mum and matt. Matt had fallen asleep by about 4am, fair enough it was early. Dont even ask when he woke up i dont know! At 6am i had a bath then another bath around 1/2ish in the afternoon(by the 2nd bath, matt was awake and was with me, wondering why i knew where the bathroom was because he was asleep for the best part of half my labour!!) Was literally an hour away from giving birth and Matts phone rang. There was me thinking it was his mum but nope. Big shock horror it was his phone company as he had ordered a new phone for contract and had to sort a time out for when they could deliver it. I needed all the support i could possibly get and he walked out of the room because he had to take a stupid phone call. i was giving birth to his baby!!! 

Until next time.....

Pregnancy

And so my pregnancy began... 

The morning sickness started, and people were getting suspicious as to why i hadnt been to school. People were obviously guessing that i was pregnant and i didnt want it to get that far as to rumours being spread. I FINALLY announced on facebook i was 'going to be a mummy' along with matt announcing he was going to be a dad, and mum and pete (stepdad) announcing they were going to be grandparents! 

Then the friend requests came flooding in from people i only had heard there names and never met. This didnt bother me, i dont mind people nosing around people can talk about me say whatever they liked, me and my slowly growing bump were happy and nothing would ever change that. 

The usual pregnancy stuff happened...scans..antenatal checks & after seeing and hearing my babys heartbeat for the first time it hit me... I WAS GOING TO BE A MUM! was emotional but i didnt cry. My pregnancy was just getting better and better i was so happy, always smiling and loved my bump. Weird to think there is baby growing inside you and is the best feeling, when you feel your baby kick <3

Anyway after missing months of school i finally went back (with a bump) dreading my first day back! Everywhere i went all i heard was 'are you pregnant' 'arent you a bit young to be pregnant' and i never replied....walking away with my head held high because i was going to be a brilliant mum! Age is nothing but a number! 

Nearly 6 months pregnant i decided to have a baby shower to celebrate! Planned pretty much everything me and mum stayed up most nights hand making invitations. I took matt's mum and dads invitation round to their house (where i pretty much spent half of my time) only to find they were going away that weekend!! So that was a dilemma i cant have a baby shower without the father, nan and grandad to my baby? could i ? 

Well i did, and i wasnt even at the baby shower either ... they had asked me to go on holiday with them i was delighted as hadnt been on holiday since i was really little and i was pregnant so would be my last without a baby! It was only to dorset but was one of the best weeks away i have ever had... out every day, eating out, going to the beach was amazing! The little house we stayed in was lovely.

Dawn - Matt's stepmum the most loveliest woman i could have ever met, she was like a second mum to me

Peter - Matt's dad, once again is absolutely lovely and still talk to him quite often!
Pat - Known as nanny pat, definately like another nan for me.
Then me matt and the dog. 

The week was over as quick as it started and we headed home! missing the baby shower i had planned for ages but so glad i did for a fab holiday where i will definately be going again, as i have some good memories in dorset with people i shall never ever forget...

Then the rest of Summer 2010 was hot! back in potters bar and pretty much stayed indoors the whole summer as was way too tired to be doing anything else... 

My due date was soon approaching.. August 2010 8 months pregnant...i was going to be a mum in one month and hardly had anything, nowhere near ready to give birth to this baby!!  

Until next time....

The start of the interesting years...

Carrying on from where i left off.. 

After having a great summer, i was getting ready to go to sixth form to study psychology, media and health and social care, i loved doing all of them as i found them interesting. I ended up dropping media, and then psychology they was too much work even though i enjoyed them i just couldnt find the time.

I stuck with health and social care, as it led me down the path i wanted to take, which was working with children or the elderly - maybe a social worker ?? Something along them lines and i was hoping taking this subject would help me.

In the november, i was getting ready to plan my birthday party - it was going to be princess/disney themed. But then the dreaded curse that is SWINE FLU arrived at our household. My mum had it and literally lived on the sofa till she was better, then matt had it which meant i didnt see him for 2 weeks - and as everyone must know when your in those first few months of a relationship you dont know what your going to do without your boyfriend for two weeks. So, i cancelled my birthday party. My family will always come first!

This is where 2010 starts and my story starts...

Middle of January i found out i was pregnant! It was and it wasn't a shock to us but changed my life..obviously! Matt at the time DID try to persuade me to have an abortion (neither of us at the time where ready to have a baby, but not everyone is, our mistake) I knew if i went through with that abortion i could never have lived with myself giving up a baby that god had given us - no im not a religious person but the one thing i do believe is that a child is a gift from god, if you are pregnant then god believes you are ready to bring up a child! And so i did.... 

I had a doctors appointment and i remember the doctor saying 'have you decided what to do' me being me looked at both my mum and matt and replied 'im definately keeping it' - those were the words that changed my life forever!  + have to say for the best! 

Then my pregnancy started & my life changed.....


Until next time....
 

A little about me

Hello there my dear friends, 

Welcome to my blog - My life - My story :) 

I am Sam. Sam i am.... Just easier to write that than Samantha all the time. My family call me Manfa but you may call me whatever you like as long as it is something nice and friendly - no insults or you are not welcome here. Here is a bit about me, i will do an updated better version about me after a few posts.. but here you go for now....

I was born and grew up in Hackney, not the nicest of places i must admit, but it did us fine! In 2008 my mum decided we were all moving to Hertfordshire - it felt  like we were moving hours and hours away and obviously it wasnt as far as i had originally thought.

I wasn't a very outgoing person, i liked to keep myself to myself. So when we did move i was petrified i werent going to make any friends....and the usual stuff any normal teen who was moving to a completely different area would worry about. 

But i ended up having the best summer ever, making the most amazing friends and being more confident. So i had finally found my best friends, the girls i can still rely on now to tell absolutely anything and everything to knowing they will be there for me (well thats what a best friend is right?)

I finished school in 2009, got some good grades some bad but i was happy. I met my first boyfriend (Matt), and had yet another amazing summer half term!I suppose you will hear alot about Matt in the next few posts.....

I done all the stuff a 16 year old did.. Parties, Sleeping, Facebook... The usual lol.

I think that is everything covered for now, im not going to bore you and put everything in one post... you wont want to read anymore. Hope you all enjoy reading my blog, but be nice ive just started !

             

Until next time....